I know a number of us are uncomfortable sharing details of our personal lives. That's okay, I am not asking for anyone to do that in a reply. I would like to open up just a bit about me, and a man I didn't meet until I was 50 years old, how our lives quickly intertwined, and how much it hurts that he is no longer here. Just pull up a chair and listen-maybe you'll identify with this as well.
I go by Brooksie or The Brookster (that's another story for another day). I am 62 years old now. This story begins back in high school in 1974. I had 3 "friends" back then who were really no more than drinking buddies. My drinking started off tame, but it quickly grew to where I was no longer controlling it, it was controlling me. Nine years later, I was married, a young father, and at a crossroads of my life. I had a harsh decision to make. So on April 8th, 1983, I walked away from alcohol to a refreshing new life. It has not been easy - there have been several "near misses", but my walk with sobriety remains intact.
I have always been a huge football fan, more directly a "womb to the tomb" Browns fan. So, in December of 2007. I joined the community at Browns 24/7. That is where I met a man who would become a very close friend - Jerry Bryan.
We initially got to know each other through Browns football on the fan boards. Jerry was very skilled as a writer, and never short on his opinions either. Jerry was a very passionate person in a lot of areas of his life. He wore his emotions on his sleeve. Boy, could he debate you! And he had no problem telling you if he thought he was right, and you weren't. And yet, any time he did that, he did it with compassion for you.
Jerry was a Cuyahoga Falls boy. I'm just a kid from Akron (wait that line already got used). As our friendship grew, I cannot remember who let the other person know first about us both being in recovery. The first night I met Jerry in person was a weekday winter's night at Luigi's for pizza. We had all night to talk football - but we told stories about our darker partying days, and the road to recovery.
Jerry was a very proud Kent State alumnus. Yet, the screen name he chose - and what we all knew him by - was Zipazoid. (The Zips are Akron U; Kent State's rival for years.) But that was Jerry.
A key moment in our friendship was when Jerry returned home from Florida for his mother's funeral. I fought through snowy weather and traffic to get to Clifford Schumacher in the Falls. When I got inside, Jerry had his back to me. I was wearing my "leather" Browns bomber jacket. I said "Hey, Zip..." He turned around, saw me and the jacket.....
And with tears in his eyes, he gave me a big old hug. He later told me what that moment meant to him. He described it as "epic".
He repayed the favor a couple of years later when I lost my mother. Another shared painful bond.
But the biggest favor that Jerry ever did for me and my family turned out to be very ironic. It was the spring of 2013. I was zeroing in on my 30th sobriety anniversary. I told him a few times how proud I was to have made it that far..... His gift? He had the courage to test our friendship by chewing me out for continuing to think like that. He said "You gotta get your fucking mind off the 30 year milestone, and back on the day by day struggles, or you will surely slip".
Jerry never forgot where he came from. The last time I saw him was when he came back to Ohio with his new bride and we attended a Black Tiger HS FB game at Clifford Stadium. Even though the Falls would come up short that night, there was Jerry singing the Alma Mater like he was still a student there.
I drove past Clifford Stadium the other day, and that night jumped back to the forefront of my memories. It refreshed the hurt I still feel since I got the tragic email just 8 weeks after that night. After celebrating Thanksgiving with friends in Florida, Jerry left the apartment to go run an "errand" and he never returned. He fell victim to the grips of addiction and overdosed.
Now with tears in my eyes, I can say I am still sad that he is no longer here, but very grateful for when he was and the mark he left on my life. Rest in peace, my friend - I love you.
I just thought everyone here, my new and old friends, should know who my friend Jerry was.
Well said, Brooksie. A very fitting tribute to your friend. My condolences.
Thanks BDU. And yes, I am looking forward to a LOT of good Browns conversations- just like Jerry would have loved.
While I personally never dealt with addictions (although I definitely have a proclivity for non-substance addictions), I have seen what they can do first hand. My brother has used 'panic attacks' as an excuse to become addicted to prescription opioids. I honesty am not as strong as you and your friend because I have not been able to handle the pain of interacting with the shell of a man he is now. I excuse it by saying it is too late, or he is too far away.
I admire you and Jerry's strength....and hope someday to find it myself.
Just never give up looking DF. I wish you peace and happiness
What an amazing story and so beautifully written, Brooksie. I feel both the sadness of losing him and the joy of knowing him. Sounds like you guys found each other at just the right time.
Me and those I pass things onto (!) are very much about anxiety and depression, or anxious depression, and self-treating is so hard to resist. I was diagnosed with chronic anxiety disorder before I'd ever heard of it, now it seems everybody has it. Did Paxil for four years to reset the misfires and it did help quite a bit. I had full-on oh-god-I'm-dying panic attacks, like blacked out.
That's where I learned this saying: "Imaging you're on fire and there's a functioning hose right there within reach... but everybody's telling you not to use it. That's what it feels like when you have a severe panic attack and there's (vodka/valium/opioids/etc.) sitting right there. Just this once."
I feel connected enough to relate, even though it's played out that I'm not an addict (and outgrew my compulsiveness), so a billion congrats on your commitment, Brooksie. You seriously took it by the balls.
But more than anything, thanks for sharing. I think these places get a million times better and more interesting when we do. So grateful for you making this happen.
Great analogy with the fire hose Shep. My "trigger" that I need to avoid is smelling freshly cut grass on a hot, humid afternoon. Gawd, would an ice cold beer taste orgasmic about then......
But my issue is I don't possess the mental and physical capability to stop after that first one. Tried unsuccessfully for years to do so. I simply lose control of me in that moment. That is why I stopped. I wanted control of me and my life again.
But for years, this was still a part of my life that made me feel "dirty" and ashamed. I was less than perfect because I couldn't handle my liquor. It was only when I got over that about 15 to 20 years ago, I began to open up about my life. I was STUNNED by the number of people that came to me feeling thankful because my opening up had helped them immensely.
So with the love and support of my wife and daughters, God, and a few very key people in my life, I am here today to share it with all of you as well. And that, my friends, puts me in a very happy place.
A wonderful read Brooksie, as someone who has struggled with alcohol I definitely relate to the mantra of taking it day-by-day because you never know when a day comes along with the heavy cravings where you can taste it in your mind. I take solace in the fact that his words have stuck with you. That's the kind of thing I am sure he would love to know. This team is a wonderful bastion of friendship. There are not many Browns fans north of the border. I remember when I was living out east in Nova Scotia, working at a call-center. I was leaving lunch and this guy is yelling at me. I was new, so I was wondering if I was in some kind of trouble. The guy who was yelling at me saw my Browns jersey, a #11 Braylon Edwards jersey (I still have, it's seen better days but it's a de-facto work/lounging shirt), hung up on his wife mid-phonecall so he could ask me if I was a "real" Browns fan. I know some people enjoy apparel because it's comfortable or whatever but you don't tend to find many wearing casual Browns gear lol. I'm still friends with Kevin, we email occasionally and this has reminded me that I should reach out to him and see how he's doing. Cheers for this :)
Cliff from BH would really like this sincere and genuine post.
Feel free to Share Ocon. i don't know who Cliff is over there.
Hey, Canadian friends: Jim Gaffigan's series that does standup all over the world is awesome, Pale Tourist. The first one is all the American in Canada jokes, all familiar as hell and comfortable as your favorite sweater you found in the bottom drawer.
Gaffigan is legit funny while seeming to be really nice (I personally think Berbiglia tries that and he's boring AF)... while kind of casually offending countries around the world, but in the way they laugh along with him. It's oddly soothing, like shows about installing pools. I mean, the guy who thinks he's a genius on Insane Pools when he's really just doing the exact same thing over and over?
I just can't look away. Puts me to sleep. I think it's a Covid-Trump-Surgery thing, looking for simple, "hot" entertainment that requires nothing of me whatsoever.
Gaffigan is one of the very best IMO. I am not familiar with the world comedy series but I'll look for it!
Barcelona is the 2nd ep, plays really funny, too... although I noticed the Canadians got those jokes faster/more. He hasn't gotten to siestas yet and the trailer looks like they love that one (!).
I filled out my time ticket today at work. And when I filled in the date, it hit me.
Not only is today the 19th anniversary of one of the most painful days in American history, it also was my friend, Jerry Bryan's birthday.
Even though it has only been a few short years, I miss him.
Tremendously.
What I wouldn't give for one more spirited conversation with Jerry about how to fix the Browns. Ahh, but that it life.
It never is fair, it plays no favorites.
But life also has its good moments. I have all of you - a new set of friends to continue on with. Jerry would have loved that.
Happy birthday, pal - and rest in peace.
Touching story, Brooksie. Beautifully written. Had a pit in my stomach reading it at the end. Heartbreaking. Thanks for sharing your memories. I look forward to all of our future Browns discussions in this community.
I won't repeat much, Brooks, we said it all in text. You're a great dude, you had and were a great friend... and that comes with well-earned sadness. I'll raise a glass to him at 4:30, from what you've told us about him, he'll appreciate the irony.
Sounds like you have gobs of great memories of him, so a clink from me to you, too.
And to get us all ready for Sunday - Jerry would bust out one of his favorite lines......
"Fuck the Ratbirds!"
Beautifully said, Brooksie. It's touching to see you keeping his memory close to you, and sharing his spirit and passion with the rest of us. Wish we could have met him. Anyone who busts out a "fuck the Ratbirds" as a favorite line sounds like they'd get along with us just fine.
Happy birthday, Jerry. Fuck the Ratbirds.